I lost myself in what I thought you’d be.
I was never any good for you.
I know that my love for him was and continues to be pure, how? It gave him freedom. I am a firm believer in that “Love is authentic only when it gives freedom”. He had the option of being with me and over and over he made the choice not to be; sometimes with words but mostly through actions. I told myself on a constant basis that he’d come around and one day he’d feel my love and know just how real and strong it is.
From the first day we spoke I felt an instant connection. I saw so much of myself in him. He wanted a relationship but I was afraid. I always said I wouldn’t date, and I told him too. That was my biggest mistake. My greatest regret. I did not know I was telling that to the man I would one day want to spend my life with. Soon after becoming friends I realized just how much I loved him. The thought that I didn’t want to date remained ..only now it was because I had become afraid that I might one day lose him.
At this point I wouldn’t lose what in my head I pictured my first boyfriend to be, I would lose someone who became my confidant. When we spoke the words just spilled right out as if I hadn’t been letting them drown me with sorrow my whole life. I told him my troubles he told me his, in our short time he had become more than what I ever expected anyone to be to me. I was afraid. I couldn’t tell him so I tried to express it through my body. He must have not understood that all my life words had been my enemy, my own words often time became cages. I could not say what I felt fearing he’d think I loved him “too soon”.
I decided to give myself to him one night and just like that I knew I was in love. Before him I hated the touch of another person, the only people who had touched me did it to harm me. ”Finally”, I thought, a man who respects me and I am not afraid of. His touch felt amazing, his hands were the only ones I ever wanted to feel from that moment on, I wanted to belong to him. He was self-conscious and I didn’t understand why, “you’re perfect” I thought but couldn’t sum up the courage to say.
He would ask me what I’d do if I got pregnant, I said I wouldn’t keep it, I said I didn’t want kids, I said I wasn’t ready. What I meant was I do not want to trap you, I don’t want you to be stuck with me. Having your children would’ve made me incredibly happy. A son like you would’ve made me proud. But you have no idea what a wreck I was.
You told me stories of your ex having made your life difficult and I saw how much it upset you. The last thing I wanted to do for the man I loved was add to that stress. You had a lot on your plate and I knew that, I wanted desperately to be with you. The more attached I became to the idea of having you in my life the more detached you became from me. You misread the things that I said.
I couldn’t be just friends with you. I couldn’t tell you just how much I need you. It was killing me. You took my fear of commitment as not wanting to be with you. You had it all wrong.
How could I let the man of my dreams be with me? I’ve suffered, not lived with, but suffered from major depressive disorder since I was a child. I sit in my room and cry more than you can imagine, I just cry for hours and I don’t know why or how to stop. I constantly disappoint those I love. All my friendships end in disaster. I’ve broken the hearts of men I never meant to. I’m a miserable person and I cannot help it. Everything I touch turns to shit. You were too good for me even though you said the same of me.
Plenty of times I thought I’d leave you to yourself but I couldn’t keep away. I was at war with myself as usual. Telling myself that if I loved you I would protect you from me but needing to feel your arms around me. I didn’t know what you thought of me when I told you I wanted to be in your arms on occasion. I felt safe in your arms, I felt complete. It was terrifying.
I began to feel the distance grow again. I cried. I cried a lot.
I would tell you I missed you every chance I had hoping you’d make time for me. I couldn’t tell you what I felt over the phone so I wanted to express myself through my body ..the only way I thought I could. My kisses were more than just lips pressed up against yours ..they were all the I love yous I was too afraid to say. You’d ask me to speak, you’d tell me to talk more, but I couldn’t. I’m a coward. For the first time I was afraid of rejection, up until you I was okay with people being in and out of my life as they pleased. ”The world keeps spinning” I told myself after every lose, I knew it wouldn’t be that simple with you.
All the while, you had began to reconnect with your ex. I never suspected anything because betraying your trust was the last thing I would do. I thought too highly of you and respected you too much to think you’d do something so low. You blamed it on me not wanting to date you. As much as I resented the reasons, I understood. Why would someone as lovable and great as you stick around me when you had someone begging you to be with them. I didn’t want to tell you all the horrible things I knew about her because you had made the choice to love her and I respected that.
She doesn’t love you, she is obsessed with you. Her constant threats of suicide and cutting were just to guilt you into staying with her. I understand that she was sad and thought she needed you, but what she really needed was a new way to deal with her feelings. She used the control she had over you to make herself a little less miserable. Her life was also a mess, it was falling apart and getting worse. I guess the only thing that she truly had control over was you, and that must’ve been hard for her to let go of. You can tell yourself all you want that you chose to be there, but I don’t buy it. No one as good as you chooses to be with someone like her.
When she spoke to me about you my thoughts were confirmed. She did not love you. She called your little brother a psycho knowing he has a disability. She spoke about sex as if you owed it to be with her because she was good in bed. She talked about you not being good enough. All the things she said about you were so horrible I couldn’t and didn’t repeat them to you. I thought Id let you make your own mind up without any influence of mine. What she wanted from you had selfish intentions. She wanted you because you made her happy, not because you were happy together.
Just as I had hoped you told me you wouldn’t talk to her anymore. You figured her bullshit out. Although I was hurting I still wanted to be with you. The thought of someone else sleeping in the arms I loved to sleep in kept me up at night. I told you I love you and was happy to have you back in my life. I only told you the good things I felt and kept the rest inside to let it hurt me instead. I didn’t want you to feel bad for the feelings your actions caused, it was ironic really. I made myself believe that it would hurt you to see me upset and I decided to continue to hurt in silence. Now I had become a prisoner of the words I didn’t say.
We spoke every day after I decided to forgive you. I was too happy with how things were going with us to tell you about what was going on with me. I didn’t want to rock the boat I guess you could say. Once again just knowing that you were thinking about me began to get me through the day. I had a love/hate relationship with you being what made me happy. I loved thinking about you because, well, how better? but I hated that i needed you to be happy. I was paranoid and thought I end up like your ex ..clinging to you. I never wanted to hold you back.
I continued to play out cute scenarios in my head. I thought of the vacations we’d take and adventures we’d share. I thought of what our kids would look like and smiled. As I cooked Id always wonder if you’d like it when it was you I was cooking for. When I went out I always looked around the room and I looked for you in everyone. No one ever turned out to be awesome as you. The more people I met, the more I knew that you were the one for me.
I never told you but a friend who I held close to heart told me he wanted to be more than friends and I cut ties with him. I lost a friend because I didn’t want to be around anyone that thought of me in ways that only you could have me.
Today I sit here confused, why aren’t we together is all I can think. I hope that you are happy, I love you so much. I hope that one day shes out of your life and you can move forward without her. You down owe her anything. I hope the next woman that comes along in your life will fill it with the love that I couldn’t. I don’t mind the tears streaming down my face, the pain in my heart, or the thoughts in my head. If you’re happy without me, that is fine. Just please don’t let anything keep you down, you’re to beautiful of a person to be kept down by small people.
I’m sad that my future does not involve you any longer, but happy that yours doesn’t involve me. After all, that’s what I thought I wanted.
I cant believe how much I lied to myself. I told myself you loved me to and when I didnt believe that I told myself that if you didnt one day you would. That the reason this all happened was because you had so much going on. I defeneded the way you treated me. After all the hurt I told myself it was my fault. But I guess in a way it was. I expected way too much because I wouldve given anything. My first time reaching out for someone ..all I wanted was someone to talk to. You gave me that but only for a short period but now all I have is a new reason to be miserable.
Ha, I remember when you said that I was predictable because I was always in my room but little did you know what my bedroom means to me. Its the only place I’m safe. No one can bother me and no one can hurt me, its my little escape, I love it here. I can cry, I can write, I can think and no one sees me ..no one can judge my anguish. If these four walls could talk you’d know what I really was. I’m nothing more than an unlovable miserable mess.
I remember being happy that my first time reaching out I was given someone so wonderful and perfect for me. But I guess its true what they say about the devil not coming in a red cape and pointy horns ..he comes as everything you’ve ever wished for. Well he wasn’t the devil but these feelings ..they are the devil, this pain ..that is the devil. There has to be a reason behind all of this, maybe I deserve a miserable life. What I fool I was. I wont ever make that mistake again. No more opening up, no new relationships of any kind. No nothing. If I keep getting my hopes up just to have them taken away like this I must deserve it.
Im looking for the bright side but all I can think is that if losing him makes me this upset, he must’ve made me really happy at one point. Well obviously. I’ll try to remember that at one point all these horrible feelings were happy ones.
Now all the things I should have said will replay in my mind.
I’ll convince myself that if you knew, you’d have stayed.
I’ll love you, always.